Before going to see my mother, I had prayed that God would give me the strength to keep a clear mind and allow Him to work on my guarded heart. I did not want to walk in and relive past events and negative emotions. I did not want to try to settle any past arguments or disagreements. I wanted to walk through the moment for what it was and completely surrender myself to the Lord. For me, I had to have that mind set. I think if my mind had been clouded with trying to resolve past issues, I would not have been able to walk out of there with the same feelings of peace and freedom. I have not received any communication from my mother since the visit. I can only hope that she was able to see and feel the healing power of Christ. His power is real. His power is authentic. And so today, I continue praying for guidance and direction.


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Now I find myself feeling restless. My mind is so full and I see so many directions to go but I don't know which one to choose. My first instinct is to pick one and go for it. But experience has taught me to be patient and wait for the Lord. He will set the path before me. One question that I had immediately after seeing my mother was "Do I go back?" And "If I go back then how often?" The answer quickly became clear that I will go back again. Nothing is set. Logistically, there is a lot for me to learn about the process. Understandably, there are a lot of rules and regulations. But yes, I will definitely go back for a lot of reasons. I admit that I had no plans at all to do this again. I had no intentions to see her again. But God didn't really consider my plans and intentions. I feel Him leading me to a place outside of my safe and secure "comfort zone." After all that has happened in my life I have never once studied what the Bible teaches us about prisoners. So I pray and ask God to guide and direct me. Hebrews 13:3 says, "Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners." There are no exclusions attached to that verse. It doesn't exclude prisoners convicted of specific crimes. It doesn't exlude prisoners within your family. In the past, this would have been an example of when I would expect to be an exception to the rule. I do believe in God and His Word. I believe a day of judgement is coming. But He is the judge.

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Now that I look back on the last several years I can see that a large part of my healing was related to my feelings of betraying my father. Once I was able to move past the anger, I struggled to reconcile the idea of forgiving my mother without feeling like I was turning my back on my father. It seemed impossible to me. I thought if I forgive my mother then I am telling her "it's okay." That's just not true. It's not okay. So God continued working on me. When I was out running last year I heard the song "Redeemer." It stopped me in my tracks. At that exact moment I knew Jesus had completely healed me and He was telling me "it's okay. You can forgive your mother and still honor your father." It was as if my Heavenly Father and my earthly father were both speaking to me. Just because I choose to forgive does not mean that I no longer miss my father. It doesn't mean I love him any less. It doesn't mean I don't think of him every single day. I forgive because I believe I will see my dad again in Heaven. I forgive because I believe in Heaven. I forgive because I believe in Jesus Christ.

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I have so much to talk about and my heart and mind are so full. I don't have complete clarity and I know God will reveal His plan in His time. I am slowly beginning to filter through the layers of thoughts and images that are far from transparent since leaving the prison on Sunday. My life literally feels different now. Sunday was supposed to be the end. In my mind, I was coming full circle in a process that began so many years ago. I knew God had led me to this point and prepared me for the moment. I have always heard the statements that "God can do big things. God can move people in big ways." And I do believe it. It just has never exactly happened to me. While I was sitting in the room with my mother, God made it "happen to me in a big way." She is my mother. I am her son. This is a bond created only by God. The evil in the past did not destroy that bond for me. I am completely aware that her past actions do not reflect the actions of loving mother. Again, it was not conditional forgiveness. It was not based on what she could or could not offer me. Could she have manipulated my emotions? Absolutely. But it was worth the risk. I prayed for discernment and truth and I believe God showed me what was real. I serve a God who shows mercy. I serve a God who loves unconditionally. I serve a God who speaks the truth.

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I need to mention that although my mother and I covered a lot of topics in our visit, we did not discuss my father's death. We talked about his life, his sense of humor and funny stories from my childhood but we did not talk about his death. We did not talk about her decisions that resulted in his death. Neither one of us even attempted to talk about it. I know what happened. I know the facts. I know the timeline and the series of events. I know she made many decisions that ultimately led her to prision. But this is important to mention because forgiveness has to be unconditional. God could not work through me in offering her forgiveness if I was expecting something in return. I could not approach my mother with questions about the past. I could not expect her to explain what happened. There is no explanation. There are no answers. I had to be able to look into the eyes of a woman who is suffering her consequences and tell her that in my heart, the past is no more. Through the unconditional love of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, she is forgiven. He suffered the ultimate consequence so we can all be forgiven. I had to allow God's healing in my life and walk away from the past. I am certain it is physically impossible for me to forget what my mother has done. But in my heart I had to let it go. I had to reach out to God and hand over the anger, pain, resentment, and devastation left behind from my mother's decisions. God has erased it all. I am living proof.

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During the visit with my mother yesterday, I found myself losing focus on our words and concentrating on what she looks like now. I was studying her face and the ways she has changed. Of course she is older now. Her hair is gray but her face is the same to me. I would catch myself being distracted and refocus on the words. It was a lot to take in all at one time. When we talked about the people close to us, my brother and my aunt, her voice would weaken and her eyes would fill with tears. She would force the words through but it was tough. We are living, breathing, and seeing the life that she is missing. She can only hear about the life that she is missing. It is beyond sad and devastating. She told stories of different events from when I was a child. She talked about the personalities of me and my brother. So many of the descriptions are mirrored in our own children. She asked about many different friends and family members and I updated her one by one. I never would have thought the conversation would have been so easy. I walked out of the visit with a lot of closure. Surprisingly, I walked out of the visit with an entirely new set of questions. So today, as this journey continues, I pray for discernment. I just knew when it was over that I would breathe and know that this was the end. I definitely feel like a door is closed. Only now I look in front of me and see another one opened.

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God is good. I don't know how much of this I will be able to write about tonight but I want to thank all of you who have been so supportive and have been praying for me through this incredible journey. My mind is racing right now. I am trying to process so much and I cannot manage to stay focused on one image or thought before another one comes racing through my head. This is a heavy load. It will take me some time to work through all of these thoughts and feelings. I will try my best to describe the events of the last several hours but this may take me a few days. But please know that all is well. The visit was good. I think it took about an hour from the time we arrived before we actually got to see my mother. As we were waiting in the holding area just inside her segregated building, I saw the guards lead her into the visitation room. We made eye contact and she pointed at me. Moments later the guard arrived in our area and led us through another series of doors. She opened the door to the visitation room and my mother was waiting for us. I stood in front of my mother for the first time in 24 years. I hugged my mother for the first time in 24 years. She sobbed. She said, "I'm sorry son. I'm so sorry son." It was a very raw apology filled with raw emotion. She hugged my wife and we all proceeded to sit down at the table. The conversation came easily. I will be able to write more about our conversation in coming days but like I said, I am still processing all of this. We talked about my children, our family, friends, vacations, school, jobs, etc. We talked and we talked. There were moments of laughter. I really cannot say that we had any moments of awkward silence. It just didn't happen like that. The room was filled with conversation and stories and memories. We had very serious moments and tears would fill her eyes. I spoke very openly and honestly with her. Before I knew it, 3 hours had passed and the guard stopped by and gave us the 5 minute warning. My mother looked at me and said "I'm sorry. I know I can't change anything now but I just need to ask for your forgiveness." This was it. This was what God sent me here this day to do. I looked my mother in the eyes and told her that I forgive her. I told her it has been hard. It has hurt. She has missed so much. My father has missed so much. It has been a journey. I told her that I no longer have an angry bone in my body. God has taken away the anger. God has healed the pain. It has taken me 24 years but I FORGIVE HER.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Today was more of the same in regards to how I am feeling but I am wondering about what my mother is thinking and feeling. Is she anxious or nervous at all? Does she want to see me? Her previous letter stated that this would be an answered prayer. But how does she feel now that the day is almost here? I don't really have anything planned out. I don't really know what words will come out of my mouth. I just don't think this is anything that can be planned....by me. There is no doubt that God has a plan. Why in the world would I try to walk in there with my own agenda? We will attend church Sunday morning and meet up with Steve Wilson afterwards. We will begin processing for visitation at the prison at 11:30. My mother has written that we will be visiting in one of the small private rooms and not in the common area shared with other visitors and inmates. Visitation ends at 3:15. We may or may not stay for the entire time. Again, I have no plan. I will show up. Everything else is up to God.

Tags: Gaile Owens

If you had asked me a couple of years ago how I would be feeling 3 days before visiting my mother in prison for the first time in 24 years I likely would have said, "very nervous, very worried, and very anxious." As odd as it sounds, I don't feel like that at all right now. I am calm. I know. My wife looked at me like I was crazy too. I think many people would agree that I have spent the majority of my life being worried about something, anything, all the time. That is another reason this calmness is so odd. As if the obvious magnitude of this weekend isn't reason enough to create some anxiety, I generally spend time being overly concerned about things on a daily basis. Again, this has God written all over it. Of course He would take one of the biggest decisions of my life and throw a blanket of peace over me. That's just how He works. I believe with all my heart that God has heard my prayers and the prayers of so many others who have lifted me up in the past several weeks, months, and years. Believe in Him. Believe in His Word. Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

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Moods are starting to shift in our household. Feelings are kicking in and reality is staring me in the face. I am holding strong to my faith in the Lord and I am in constant prayer. I know I have made a lot of statements regarding my feelings of peace but please understand that peace does not remove the difficulty of this situation. This is incredibly hard. This is demanding. This is quickly becoming physically and mentally exhausting. But this is not bigger than God. He is in control. He is at work. This is His agenda and He has a plan in place. I trust in Him and know He will not leave me now. He will not leave me 5 days from now. He will not ever leave me.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Stephen's wife is temporarily taking over the blog for the evening. He has been asleep since 7:30. I believe exhaustion has set in and he is getting much needed rest. I am taking advantage of this opportunity to speak freely to all of you. You have been an amazing support to him in the last few weeks. Please continue to lift him up in prayer in the days ahead as he prepares for this visit. He speaks so fondly of all of you and has shared story after story of so many friends from elementary school, high school, church, and teaching jobs. He is the only person I know who still maintains communication with his elementary school teachers. This speaks volumes about the influence you all had in his life. I am posting a picture of the inside page of his Bible that he found last night. This Bible was given to him by his fifth grade class at Alturia Elementary just days after his father's death. God immediately used you, his friends and family, to show His love and bring comfort to this child. He remembers a lot of awful things from the night his father died that no child should ever remember. But he also remembers the hope you offered in the midst of his pain. He knows your face, he knows your name, he knows what you did for him. You need to know the difference you made in his life. You may not know exactly how or when but God used you in this man's life. Thank you for walking beside him on this journey. Thank you for praying for him and thank you for loving him. Galatians 6:2 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

Tags: Gaile Owens

So I wonder if or when I will start to feel nervous. A week from now it will all be over. I don't know whether to call this the end or the beginning. It feels like both. It feels like the end of a very long road but at the same time it feels like a new beginning in my life. I feel a freedom that I have never felt before. I don't feel that dark cloud hovering above me. I don't feel that heavy weight on my shoulders. I can finally take in one big breath of air and walk on. I can literally feel myself moving forward. I feel the Spirit of God within every inch of my body. He is with me. He is real. He is my comfort. He is my hope. He is my peace. Soli Deo Gloria.

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I have spent some time lately thinking of all of the people involved in my life and the lives of my parents that were or have been affected since February 17, 1985. I know how it affected me and my family. I wonder how their friends have dealt with it over the years. I think of my father's co-workers and the people he communicated with every single day. What are they doing now? Have they shoved the events of that night in a far away place in the back of their minds? What about my mother's friends? My mother was a room mother for my 5th grade class that year. I recently heard from Mrs. Seward, the other room mother for my class. She shared with me how she has been affected and how she has never stopped praying for me and my family even after so many years. I wonder about our neighbors. How were their lives affected? Our church family was a strong support for us and I remember all that was done to protect and comfort us for so many years. But how did they reconcile this tragedy in their lives? Life as we knew it came to an abrupt halt. So many relationships we had were changed forever. I think back on all those people and wonder if they struggled and suffered with pain. I hope and pray they have also healed and chosen to forgive.

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This is a very hopeful and promising time in my life. This is not a time to be sad or discouraged. I have so much to be thankful for and I have complete trust in the Lord for what is ahead in the future. Surprisingly, I no longer feel overwhelmed and distracted. I don't feel like I need to stay busy to keep my mind off of the upcoming visit. I don't need to deliberately or intentionally do something to occupy my time to avoid quiet moments. I'm okay. I feel as though I have been covered in peace. There will be a day when God will be the judge and justice will come but now is the time for mercy. Now is the time for forgiveness. Now is the time to completely surrender myself to the Lord. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

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I think about how often I hear the comment "I just had no idea." I understand. Secretly, I believe that is the exact impression I was looking for in years past. I didn't want people to look at me and associate it with anything in my past. I wanted it to stay hidden. I wanted people to like me but not because they felt sorry for me. Even as I gradually began to open up to the idea of sharing and giving my testimony, I was fearful of attracting sympathy and nothing more. The past was awful. It was shocking. It felt like hell on earth. But my life did not end with horror and tragedy. I serve a faithful God. "He rescues and He saves." I want people to see and hear what God has done in my life. Now when I hear people say "I just had no idea " I can't help but smile. What a wonderful opportunity to use that moment and ask the question, "do you know WHY? Let me tell you what the Lord has done for me."

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Why does it seem like time is standing still? There was such a rush of emotions and now it feels like a waiting game. I denied myself the thought of ever visiting my mother for so long. Now I am ready for the intensity of the situation to be over. So I am certain that I need to be still in this moment and listen to God. My wife always says that the unknown frightens her and excites her all at the same time. I definitely feel that way in this situation. There is an unending list of unknowns. Will I be calm or anxious? What does she look like? Will she look at me and see the undeniable resemblance to my father? Will my emotions come freely or will I fight them back? Will I speak freely? Will she see the man of God that I have grown into over the years? What will be her reaction? Will she still see the hurt and pain in my eyes? Will she see what life could have been like? Will God place me in that room with her and use me in ways that I can not imagine? Will He speak through me? Will she see and feel the forgiveness in my heart? God has all the answers. Right here, right now God is telling me to "be still, and know that I am God."

Tags: Gaile Owens

I can not remember when I first noticed a change in my heart towards my mother or when I first considered the possibility of forgiving her. As a child I had been taught to forgive but for many years I thought there should be an exception to this rule as it applies to my mother. That is only fair. She is not allowed to rip my father from my life in an instant and expect me to forgive her. I still think that is true. I don't think she would expect me to forgive her. But Jesus does. Even when I look back at the last several years of my life I can see the preparation and the seeds that the Lord planted within me. I was working on my masters degree and desperately looking to teach/coach again. I was presented with an opportunity to teach at the Metro Davidson County Detention Center in Nashville. I honestly did not hesitate to take the position. I wanted the job and now I see God also wanted me to have that job. I taught inmates for the next 12 months. It was an unforgettable experience. Fast forward a couple of years to my current position at CPA. I am giving my testimony in front of Steve Wilson's 9th grade Bible class. Steve approaches me after the class and informs me that he knows my mother. Steve has a volunteer ministry in the prison. Seriously? This can only be the work of God. Steve Wilson will be joining my wife and I when we visit my mother. So please pray for Steve in the coming weeks. We appreciate all of the support and encouraging words through the comments on the site, the emails, and the phone calls. So many of you have shared your own experiences of tragedy and forgiveness too. Please continue to share this site and your own experiences with your friends and family. Philemon 1:6 says, "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ."

Tags: Gaile Owens

During my visit this past weekend, I realized that I am only 1 year younger than Dad when he died. It is an awkward feeling. It was fun to be around family again but I couldn't help but notice the pain that still exists. Time heals that pain only to an extent. There was a moment during our visit when my youngest son walked up to Uncle David (Dad's brother) and called him Papa. I know he noticed and so did I. It was a slight glimpse of "what might have been." Times like that create the flood of unending questions that I will never have answered this side of heaven. Did my mother ever think this far into the future? Did she ever think that she would never know her grandchildren? When my children are much older, we will eventually explain it all to them. It is a part of who we are now. It is irreversible. Maybe this is why I have finally realized the impact of forgiving my mother. Yes, I forgive because Jesus tells me to forgive. But what if my children look me in the eyes someday and ask, "Daddy, did you forgive her?" I want to be a Christ-centered man for my children. I don't want my boys to grow up and see me as a man full of anger and resentment. I want them to see first-hand the healing power of Christ. I want to tell them that the Bible is true, He is our Savior, and you really can "do all things through Christ who gives you strength."

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As often as the enemy has tried to attack me, God has provided a way to either deliver me from the attack or guide me through the attack. The journey of forgiveness has been full of evil schemes overturned by God's mighty power. For many years I have told my wife that someday I would probably want to see my mother again. But for many years, I repeatedly said I was just not ready to take that step. Now I am able to look back on those years and see how God was preparing me for this very moment in time. God is evident through the people He brought into my life and through all the trials and triumphs placed in my path. The Lord was carefully and specifically shaping my heart. Exactly one year ago, I felt God speak louder and clearer than ever before. I stood before the faculty and staff at school and gave my testimony. I spoke about the decision God had placed on my heart. I knew I was ready to move forward. I knew it was time. We completed the paperwork and received all of the necessary approvals to be on the "official" list for visitation. I needed to write my mother and schedule a time for a visit. But I became "busy." I was busy with school, busy with basketball, and busy with the kids' schedules. The holidays arrived. The holidays are always busy. After the holidays, the first three months of the year are very busy and a crucial time in basketball season. I didn't want the distraction. Before I knew it, it was the end of the school year and final exam time. I was way too busy wrapping up the school year. The day of my last exam we left on vacation. Then I had camps and more family traveling. So July arrived and I still had not taken that pivotal step. That was it. My heart was heavy and I realized that God was still standing beside me with outstretched arms and ready to walk with me. I also knew that I had to be willing to ask for help and prayers from anyone and everyone. I remember my wife saying to me, "if you hear God speaking to you, if you know in your heart that you are ready for this, then you can not deny God the opportunity to use you. You can do this." Exodus 23:20 says, "See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared." Please pray that I remain focused on what God has said He will do for me and pray that the enemy's plans will be halted. No matter what the enemy may try to accomplish, God has already sent His angels to fill the room.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Although I often think about what God will reveal in the days and weeks ahead, I have also thought about what Satan was trying to accomplish in the past. Did Satan think my mother would actually carry through with those plans? Christ was no longer the center of her life and she did the unthinkable. Did Satan think my brother and I would be left as orphans? The Lord placed two devasted young boys in the arms of a godly woman who raised us to trust and believe in Him. Did Satan think I would become a statistic in this world and a hopeless victim because of my traumatic childhood? I have struggled. I have not been perfect. But my past is not an excuse to choose a life of sin. My past is not an excuse to be disobedient to God. This is the life that God has given me. He continues to carry me through the struggles. He has shown me grace through all the imperfections. Did Satan think I would be incapable of a healthy relationship as both a husband and a father? God has blessed me with a loving and supportive wife and two beautiful healthy children. Satan has tried to defeat us through difficult trials but we are a testimony of God's faithfulness. Did Satan think my career would be unfullfilling because of the absence of a father to train me as a provider and leader for my family? I have been surrounded by men who actively serve the Lord. My job as a teacher and coach is incredibly rewarding and I have always felt in my heart that this is exactly what God created me to do. My father was killed 25 years ago and my mother was sentence to death 1 year later. Did Satan ever think that God would provide so much healing in my life that I would be asking my friends and family to pour down prayers as I share my testimony of forgiveness and peace?

Tags: Gaile Owens

Many people have written or stopped me to offer prayers and almost everyone has made the comment, "I have so many questions but I don't want to intrude or be rude." Please know that I don't mind the questions. I have this new way of thinking that the more people know, the more details they can include in their prayers. The more people know, the more they can see the work of God in my life. The decision to share my life is an opportunity not an obligation. I have the opportunity to allow others to see how God has brought light into the darkest days, months, and years of my life. I don't HAVE to do this. I GET to do this. In Matthew 10:32-33 Jesus tells us that "whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven. " Matthew 5:14-15 says, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to eveyone in the house." If I continue to keep silent when I should speak then I would be "hiding the light." Silence is no longer an option for me.

Tags: Gaile Owens

We have just returned from a long trip to Arkansas and I was able to visit with my grandfather for a couple of hours on Saturday. He did recognize me and of course he was completely shocked to see me. Based on our conversation and the stories he told, I have no doubt that he knew exactly who I was and it was such a blessing to see him again after so many years. Let me back up a couple of days. On Friday, the mail was delivered just as we were leaving for the trip to Arkansas. The letter from mom arrived and the date is officially set for August 23rd. There are some logistics to work out with the time but everything else is in place. The letter included a copy of the approved visit request from the prison. The form has a line to be completed that states "justification for visit." My mother had written, "first visit with son." Those words looked huge to me. I felt relief and I felt very overwhelmed at the same time. I know I can back out of this at any time and that is certainly not my intention so this brought a sense of finality to the process too. I am going forward with this and I feel God's presence with me every step of the way. Those feelings of anxiety prompt me to stop and pray. I have to. Those feelings can overtake me very quickly. But God brings peace. He brings comfort. He reminds me that He is in control. Like I stated before, I don't have a lot of clarity about the future. If I am trusting in God and walking in faith then all I really know is that He will provide. My prayers will continue to be that God's will be done. I pray for His will in the weeks leading up to August 23rd, for this visit with my mother on that Sunday afternoon, and for the weeks, months, and years following August 23rd. Right now, I don't know if this will be a one-time visit or if I will continue to schedule visits in the future. I have no expectations but I do know that I need to look at her and tell her that I forgive her. Yes, the forgiveness exists regardless if I say it to her face. But I can not explain the need I have to tell her. Maybe I feel it will bring closure. I understand it could create or recreate past feelings of anger and pain. But I do trust God with all my heart. I know it may not make sense. I know it is completely understandable to never want to see her again. But I feel deep within me that this truly is where God is leading me.

Tags: Gaile Owens