One of the biggest discussions we have had in the last couple of weeks is about my expectations. Do I have any expectations in visiting mom? Do I have any expectations in sharing this blog? What do I expect to come out of all this? I expect the visit with mom to be overwhelming, emotional, intimidating, and painful. I can only hope after it is over that I will be able to put a lot of anxiety to rest but I really don't know what to expect. At the end of the day, it is all in God's hands anyway. Revealing all of this to our friends and family has actually brought relief. This has been a big lesson in allowing others to see my weaknesses and admitting I need help to make it through the coming weeks. My wife and I have always been very private people. We did not make this decision based on a random idea or thought. We spent many months praying and asking God to use my past in a way to witness to others. We still don't have a lot of clarity about the future but we have to turn it all over to God before we step foot out of the bed every morning. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " Jeremiah 29:11

Tags: Gaile Owens

Some days I can pray all day and never run out of things to say. Then on days like today, I try to pray but don't have any idea what to say. I don't know if it is because the words won't come to me or because I have so many thoughts running through my head that I can't make sense of anything. One part of me would like to have a crystal ball to find out where I will be 2 months down the road. Another part of me wants to be still in this moment as I feel and see God working in my life. Every day seems like a struggle to continue down this road. Every day I have to deal with the images of dad and mom, the memories, and the heartache. It simply isn't fair. It is a part of my life. It is part of what makes me who I am today. If I could have my father back I would do it in an instant. But God has also sent blessings in my life as a result of my circumstances after dad's death. So what do I pray when the pain seems unbearable? What do I pray when I just want some relief? I believe "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us in accordance with God's will." I don't pray for my will but for God's will. I want the pain to go away but God has brought many blessings from my pain. I don't think God wants me to hurt but I pray that His healing of my pain will be used to further His kingdom and lead others to a place of forgiveness and peace.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Do you ever notice when you are obedient to God and grow in your faith that God doesn't stop presenting you with challenges? As I was leaving my brother's house July 4th weekend, I received a call from our cousin in Arkansas. He tells me that my grandfather (dad's dad) is very sick and his health is quickly declining. So now I have a decision to make. Do I go see him? Will he recognize me? I haven't seen him in over 20 years. In November 1984, my grandmother passed away unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm. Three months later, dad was killed. My grandfather lost all hope. He moved away and we lost contact. I miss him. He is one of the last connections I have with my father. I wanted my grandfather in my life and it felt as though he left me too. We weren't allowed to run away and hide so why was it okay for him? Feelings of resentment have also crept in over the years. So now is the time to let go of all of those feelings too. Is it a coincidence that I have the opportunity for healing on both sides of my family at the same time? yeah, right. This situation has God written all over it. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." So our trip is planned and I will soon be looking into the eyes of my grandfather for the first time in over 20 years. I will look into his eyes and talk to him. I am going to make sure he knows our Lord Jesus Christ. I believe the day will come when I will see my dad again. I want to make sure my grandfather is there to witness our reunion in heaven.

Tags: Gaile Owens

As I open my Daily Light devotional book to today's date I see Psalm 18:39 "You have armed me with strength for the battle." This speaks volumes to me today. I had an incredibly tough day yesterday. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was but I struggled with such a heavy heart. Maybe the reasons are obvious but I just couldn't seem to escape it. And so I feel warned that this will become more difficult. My emotions are under attack. Several years ago, this kind of attack would have caused me to retreat and avoid the situation. I would have said, "I'm just not ready." But my life is not like that anymore. You see, God has set me on solid ground. As it is spoken in Ephesians "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." I am certain that my struggles will continue. Some days will always be better than others. God did not promise anyone on this earth an easy life. But He is a faithful God and "His compassions never fail. They are new every morning."

Tags: Gaile Owens

We are receiving incredible words of encouragement and are so grateful. Thank you for your prayers and support. I am receiving messages from friends that were present in my time of need in the years immediately following dad's death. I have really enjoyed reading about their memories of my father. These are friends who immediately stepped up in my life and became brothers and fathers to me. I was 12 years old. This was such a critical time in my life and these godly men became an answered prayer. My church family, my teachers and coaches encircled me and would not allow me to give up. Undoubtedly, the person who is one of the greatest influences in my walk with Christ is Carolyn. Carolyn is my aunt and she became my legal guardian. By all definitions we were orphans. We no longer had a mother and father. She made the choice to fight for me and my brother. She chose to raise us. She chose to have her life completely and forever altered. There is no doubt that life has not been easy for any of us but I know that her unwavering faith showed me how to build my life on the firm foundation of God. The role that she has played in my life and the role of all of those who stepped up and so freely gave of themselves has unquestionably influenced the man, husband, father, teacher, and coach that I am today. I will always be grateful. Please remember Carolyn and all of our close friends and family in your prayers too. Although I know that God is directing this path, I also know that the decision to speak openly about my life is resulting in painful memories for others. Please pray that God will comfort them. For those who have not made the choice to reconcile their past, there is a great Healer. He is Jesus Christ our Lord.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Mom's letter was sent back to me stamped "return to sender." Two different sets of numbers are required for delivery within the prison and I omitted one set. Satan's attempt to discourage me? Maybe. But I'm not feeling discouraged. I have to admit my wife is usually the one to address the letters I send to the prison and I decided to handle this one myself. Lisa recognized immediately that I had left off the TDOC number and the letter is now back in the mail and on its way. The delay has given me the opportunity to ask you all to consider my mother in prayer also. We recently notified friends and family of this blog and requested everyone to participate as a prayer warrior during the next several weeks. We desperately need a flood of prayers as we faithfully walk this path. Please include my mother in your prayers as she receives this letter to accept the visit. Sadly, I can't say that I know how my mother will react but I pray that she will know the grace of God. No sin is too great to be forgiven. As Pastor Glenn recently stated in his sermon on forgiveness, "no one gets what they deserve;" not me, not you, not the liar, not the person spreading gossip, not the thief, adulterer, abuser, and not my mother as she sits on death row. We are all sinners and by the grace of God, none of us get what we deserve.

Tags: Gaile Owens

My emotions are all over the place. Mom probably received the letter today and I can't help but wonder about her reaction and response. I am definitely dealing with some anxiety about this visit but there is also some anticipation. I have accepted the fact that she will never be able to supply answers to all my questions regarding her actions. There are no answers to those questions. There is no justification. But I finally grasp the fact that I don't need answers to forgive. Although forgiveness brings peace, it does not erase consequences. Maybe that is an obvious realization for many people. But for me, in this situation, it was not so obvious. I lost both of my parents in an instant. The night my father was killed I had begged my mother to let me stay with him at church while he played basketball in the gym. This was a routine for us on Sunday nights. But she refused to let me stay. Within a few hours, my life was forever changed. I think of my father every single day. I want him here with me. I am often overwhelmed with sadness and grief as I think of all that has been missed in my relationship with him. My father didn't see me grow up. He didn't sit in the stands in my high school games. He didn't see me graduate and he didn't stand beside me on my wedding day. He has not been here to teach me about fatherhood and spend time with his grandchildren. He has missed holidays and birthdays. After all these years I desperately long for his physical presence in my life. The harsh reality is that my mother has also been absent from my life. This is a healing process. This is probably a lifelong healing process.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Dropping that letter in the mailbox is a HUGE step. It is not the first letter I have ever sent my mother. Obviously it isn't about the tangible piece of paper. It is all about what that paper represents. That letter represents forgiveness in a very raw form. After years of feeling angry, resentful, hurt, abandoned, lost, and betrayed, I am free. That freedom has also made me feel very exposed. As those feelings of vulnerability begin to rise within me, I keep going back to Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." It is true. He has led me to this path and He will continue to lead me. I am experiencing the freedom of forgiveness today because 24 years ago God directly and intentionally intervened in my life. In the midst of evil and destruction, God wrapped His loving arms around me and He did not leave me or forsake me. I had my moments, days, weeks, months, and sometimes years of doubt. I will never understand the choices made by my mother. Why did my she allow me to walk into the house that night? Does she know that I have pictures in my head that can never be erased? I see pictures of my father's car, pictures of walking in the door, pictures of my father taking his last breaths. I still remember what I was thinking as I approached him. I remember his clothes. I remember my mother's reaction. How does a mother do that to her children? I will never have the answers to my endless questions. But as I drop that letter in the mailbox today I know with all my heart that God has been leading me down this path of redemption and He is my Savior.

Tags: Gaile Owens

The letter to my mother, Gaile Owens, will be mailed tomorrow requesting a visit on August 23, 2009. The last time I saw my mother was in 1986 and I was sitting on the witness stand testifying against her. She was convicted of accessory before the fact in the murder of my father and sentenced to death. It certainly seems cliche to say that it has been a difficult "journey" to this place of forgiveness. It has been a journey of sorts, I guess. It has been excruciating at times. It has been full of deep valleys. I have undoubtedly hit rock bottom more than once. I have been face down in the mud and mire of many pits. But I believe with all my heart that God has rescued me, carried me, led me, and freed me. He is my Deliverer. He is my Redeemer. I still ache with pain at the loss of my father. I do not believe that ache will ever leave me. It isn't fair. But as hard as it is to understand, I still hold strong to the unfailing truth that "in ALL things God works for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purpose." He does not only use the nicely wrapped events in life but "ALL things" in life. This means He uses the good and the bad. He even uses the horrific and the tragic.

Tags: Gaile Owens