He Will Deliver

My emotions are all over the place. Mom probably received the letter today and I can't help but wonder about her reaction and response. I am definitely dealing with some anxiety about this visit but there is also some anticipation. I have accepted the fact that she will never be able to supply answers to all my questions regarding her actions. There are no answers to those questions. There is no justification. But I finally grasp the fact that I don't need answers to forgive. Although forgiveness brings peace, it does not erase consequences. Maybe that is an obvious realization for many people. But for me, in this situation, it was not so obvious. I lost both of my parents in an instant. The night my father was killed I had begged my mother to let me stay with him at church while he played basketball in the gym. This was a routine for us on Sunday nights. But she refused to let me stay. Within a few hours, my life was forever changed. I think of my father every single day. I want him here with me. I am often overwhelmed with sadness and grief as I think of all that has been missed in my relationship with him. My father didn't see me grow up. He didn't sit in the stands in my high school games. He didn't see me graduate and he didn't stand beside me on my wedding day. He has not been here to teach me about fatherhood and spend time with his grandchildren. He has missed holidays and birthdays. After all these years I desperately long for his physical presence in my life. The harsh reality is that my mother has also been absent from my life. This is a healing process. This is probably a lifelong healing process.

Tags: Gaile Owens