One Step Forward

We had another good visit with Mom today but there never seems to be enough time. We talk non-stop and the converstation flows from every topic imaginable. We have some tears but there is a lot of laughter too. I find myself looking forward to these visits with much anticipation and always sad to leave when the time is up. That is reality smacking me in the face. My reality is that I have a life outside those prison walls. I wish I could be there to visit every day when the doors open. How do you catch up on twenty-five years with your mother? My reality right now is walking around every day knowing my phone will ring at any moment with news of the Supreme Court ruling. It has been 4 weeks now and I have no idea how much longer we will be waiting.

When I think back over the last several months and even read through many notes from the blog, I remember just how naive I was about this "journey." I honestly thought going in to my visit in August was the end. The door would be closed and my healing would be complete. I can almost hear God laughing out loud right now.

Here is a statement I heard from our pastor today. "Forgiveness is the first step in the process of transformation that brings you reconciliation." I know this to be true now but I did not know it several months ago. I knew immediately after leaving my visit with Mom in August that when I stepped out of those prison doors I was only just beginning. I was no where near the end.

I am overloaded with questions for God. I have had to look at myself in the mirror and confront questions about my faith that I never thought I would be asking myself. But I call His name and He keeps showing up. When I cry out He hears me. He comforts me. He brings peace.