Looking Forward to Thanksgiving!

I know I have said it many times but I am amazed at everything that has transpired in the last year. No doubt this Thanksgiving has a new blessing added to my long list. I am visiting Mom on a regular basis and continue to pray through the process of building our relationship. She is staying very busy in her new job and learning to adjust to life in general population.

God has provided opportunities in the last couple of months for me to speak and share my testimony of His healing. Last weekend I was invited to speak to a youth group here in Franklin. This group has been working through the book Chase the Lion by Mark Batterson. I was introduced to these young people as a real life lion chaser. Really? Me?

As I studied through their book I quickly began to relate to the theme. "Lion-chasers don't try to avoid situations where the odds are against them. Lion-chasers know that impossible odds set the stage for amazing miracles."

"The world is full of cautious and prudent people who will live fine, long lives. But chances are if you spend your life in an attempt to elimate risk, uncertainty, and fear you will miss out on some of the most amazing experiences a person can have with Jesus."

"Part of us wants God to reduce obstacles. We like situations where the odds are in our favor. But sometimes God allows the odds to be stacked against us so He can reveal more of His glory through it."

Thank you God for teaching me and leading me through the biggest lion chase of my life this past year!

Gaile Owens, my mother, will continue to live her life for Christ

Around 10:15 Wednesday morning I received a phone call relaying a message that Governor Bredesen had reached a decision and would be releasing a statement at
10:30. Approximately 10-15 minutes later I received a second phone call that opened my eyes to a future that only seconds before seemed so far out of reach. Governor Bredesen commuted my mother's sentence. Governor Bredesen gave my mother a second chance at life. Governor Bredesen was part of a much bigger plan Wednesday morning. A plan that I have admittedly struggled to follow for so long. I struggled but I continued to turn to my Father in heaven. I continued to cry out for help. I continued to trust in His unfailing love.

Exactly one year ago I started writing of my journey to visit mom. I wrote about mailing the letter, setting a day to visit, seeing and speaking to her for the first time in over 20 years. I took those steps and thought it was over. Then God put more steps in front of me. He continued to speak to my heart and carry me through. Our relationship slowly began to heal and God kept showing up. And now? Now my mother will continue to live her life for Him! She will continue to serve Him!

I rejoice with all of you who have prayed and offered your unwavering support for my mother. Thank you to all of the volunteers and friends who have walked with her for so many years and continue to be there for her daily as she makes this transition. Thank you to the thousands of supporters who signed the petition in the fight for her life. Thank you to the handful of people, and you know who you are, that answered my questions day and night. You answered every phone call. You showed up for every meeting. You gave so freely of your time to visit mom and sacrificed so much. You made the choice to get involved. You made the choice to become a part of our lives.

So what's next? Considering what God has done in the past 12 months, I'm not about to try and guess what His plan is for the next 12 months. I know that I trust Him to guide and direct my path. I know He will not ever leave me or forsake me. I know there will be times of struggle and times of joy. I know the road ahead will be difficult. "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

I will take this next step. I trust and believe in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Please fall to your knees and pray. Blessed be His name. Speak it. Believe it. Be faithful.

Pray for my mother, Gaile Owens

We may be entering a pivotal week in Mom's case with the Supreme Court. We are nearing the end of the time frame and it is very possible a ruling could be issued very soon. Please pray. I know I am constantly soliciting prayers. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in speaking to God throughout my entire day and asking for the desires of my heart. I believe in asking God to lead me through His plan for my life and believing that His will be done.

Please pray for whatever is on your heart for Mom this week. If you don't know what to pray for, pray for continued peace and comfort. Pray for strength. Pray for the men and women serving on the Tennessee Supreme Court. Pray for Governor Bredesen. Pray for my mother's attorneys. Pray for all of the men and women who have become such dear friends with my mother. Please, please continue to pray for my family.

Pray for those people in your life who have not opened their hearts to the love of Jesus Christ. Pray for the unbelievers. Pray for those who not know of the healing power of our Lord. It is real. He is real.

Full of Hope in My Father in Heaven

Where does that sudden wave of increased hope and strength come from? Why now? It's that feeling when everything suddenly looks slightly different. I smile more. I laugh more. Distractions come but I easily push them aside. It isn't that I question where that peace originates. I know.

Philippians 4:7 "The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Just when I begin to question exactly where I am in this journey, God quietly lays the next step under my feet. I should probably not be so surprised. But I am. I am continuously amazed by the work of God in my life and the lives of those around me. I have also learned that just because God closes a door, it doesn't always mean the door is locked and the key is thrown away. "No" does not always mean "No, not ever." It sometimes means "no, not right now." I can literally see and feel God working on me, changing my heart and mind, and leading me to a real place of confidence and trust in His plan for my life.

Please continue to pray for my mother, Gaile Owens. Please continue to pray for my family. Please continue to pray for healing.

Grateful For The Present Time

The decrease in visitors today was obvious as we arrived a little bit later than normal and walked through security after waiting only a couple of minutes. I assume the rainy weather deters visitors. After the long walk up to Unit 3 in the rain blowing straight into our faces we walked in completely soaked and dripping wet. Umbrellas not allowed.

We had a nice visit of course despite the miserable weather. Regular phone calls and visits will be a part our life for the next couple of months. What's next? I have no idea. The anticipated ruling from the Supreme Court could change everything. The ruling from Governor Bredesen could change everything.

As the waiting continues, I am grateful for the present time.

Letting Go and Living By Faith

How did I not recognize the bondage with a grip so tight on my life? Maybe because I didn't want to recognize it. Maybe because I chose to keep my eyes shut. For so many years I felt responsible for people and situations which ultimately were impossible for me to control. I felt a pressure to hold everything and everyone together. I don't know that it was a pressure from any specific outside source or a pressure I put on myself. Regardless of the source, it was real and it was a heavy weight that I chose to carry for a long time. I have this picture in my head of God walking patiently beside me with his arms outstretched just waiting for me to surrender that heavy load over to Him.

When I submitted to God's will and made the decision to visit Mom I realized the necessity to relinquish the burden. Not only had I been denying God's will for my life, but I also had been denying God's will for other people's lives. The lives I felt accountable for and obligated to keep secure. I know now that my responsibility is to allow God to use me and to be willing to submit my life for His will. God provides the peace and security. God sets the timetable for all events.

Acts 1:7 "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority." I am trusting in God's timing for my life and the lives of others. I don't always understand His timing but I trust His timing. I will take another step and continue to live by faith.

One Step Forward

We had another good visit with Mom today but there never seems to be enough time. We talk non-stop and the converstation flows from every topic imaginable. We have some tears but there is a lot of laughter too. I find myself looking forward to these visits with much anticipation and always sad to leave when the time is up. That is reality smacking me in the face. My reality is that I have a life outside those prison walls. I wish I could be there to visit every day when the doors open. How do you catch up on twenty-five years with your mother? My reality right now is walking around every day knowing my phone will ring at any moment with news of the Supreme Court ruling. It has been 4 weeks now and I have no idea how much longer we will be waiting.

When I think back over the last several months and even read through many notes from the blog, I remember just how naive I was about this "journey." I honestly thought going in to my visit in August was the end. The door would be closed and my healing would be complete. I can almost hear God laughing out loud right now.

Here is a statement I heard from our pastor today. "Forgiveness is the first step in the process of transformation that brings you reconciliation." I know this to be true now but I did not know it several months ago. I knew immediately after leaving my visit with Mom in August that when I stepped out of those prison doors I was only just beginning. I was no where near the end.

I am overloaded with questions for God. I have had to look at myself in the mirror and confront questions about my faith that I never thought I would be asking myself. But I call His name and He keeps showing up. When I cry out He hears me. He comforts me. He brings peace.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Eccelesiastes 2:25

How can this verse not be in my heart and mind? The events of the last several months are a display of God's perfect timing in the midst of ongoing change. I am experiencing incredible growth and change in every area of my life and I have no doubt the changes are a direct result of drawing closer to God.

A large part of my life is full of uncertainty right now but God is my strong constant. I don't think I have ever welcomed so much change with arms wide open. This time in my life will always serve as a reminder to avoid the ease of complacency. Now my eyes are wide open.

As I am beginning to recognize how the complicated layers of my past have led me to this time of reconcilication, God is also revealing the layers of change that have occurred in my mother's life. I firmly believe "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." I will quote the application notes in my bible. "God has a plan for all people. Although we may face many problems that seem to contradict God's plan, these should not be barriers to believing in him, but rather opportunities to discover that, without God, life's problems have no lasting solutions. Timing is important. The secret to peace with God is to discover, accept, and appreciate God's perfect timing."

Gaile Owens

I desperately want to fight for my mother's life. Our relationship is alive and I can only plea to others not to take this away from me now.

I am uncertain of the path that God is leading me on but I can tell you that He is showing up every day and I can see and feel His presence in the people and events unfolding around me. I know the only way I ever would have believed that my mother had changed and reformed her life was to see the evidence face to face. God has revealed this proof and continues to reveal His work to me every time I see her. It is so difficult for me to describe in words. It is real. It is powerful. It is amazing. It is love. It is peace. It is undeniable.

Pray for my mother Gaile Owens

When I stopped writing in September I was not sure I would ever come back to it. I was not planning on ending so abruptly. Only weeks after my visit with Mom, we received a letter stating that the State of Tennessee was preparing to file a request for an execution date to be set. She had reached the end of her appeals process and the State's request was the next step. The State filed in December and her attorneys filed a response earlier this month. She is currently waiting for a response from the Tennessee Supreme Court. If the Supreme Court denies the request to commute her sentence, the decision will be made by Governor Bredesen. That is the very basic explanation of the process.

When we received the letter back in September, it was time for me to make some decisions. Big decisions. Do I continue to walk the journey out loud or do I retreat and seek refuge in my privacy? It is much easier to keep all of this very private and I still feel a certain degree of privacy is vital. But I kept wondering if I was hindering God's plan all in the name of privacy. Was I being disobedient? I felt challenged. It felt like a test of faith. I felt the powerful healing hand of God by forgiving my mother. Now my mother is facing the real possiblity of being executed. Did God really expect me to continue to live out loud and share this with others? Is that really a fair expectation after everything that has happened in my life? But then that other question comes to mind. What if? What if my life story leads just one person to accepting Christ?

And then there is this question. How do I profess my faith in God and speak of His amazing grace and love and do nothing for my mother? Because she committed a horrific crime that resulted in the death of my father? Yes that seems like a solid justification not to help her. No one would ever blame me for refusing to advocate for her. In my mind, it is one thing to offer forgiveness but it is completely different to actively fight for her. So why was I feeling so conflicted? I am not one to act on emotions with an unclear mind. I have struggled. I have prayed. The consequences of my actions could be life-changing. Not everyone will understand my decision. Maybe no one will understand. Others might be angry with me. I could risk losing relationships with family and friends. The struggles continue. I have prayed so hard about this decision. This is life or death.

I have chosen to fight for life and I will leave the consequences to God. I feel in my heart that if I do nothing at all then I am making the statement that I want my mother to die. Lack of action is really an action in itself. It is an action to watch her die. In my life right now, in this situation, lack of action is a lack of faith and trust in God. I do not want my mother to die. My visit with her in August changed my life. I will write more about the details later but again I am asking you to continue to pray.

Pray for my mother, Gaile Owens. Pray for my family. Pray for those responsible for making the decisions. Pray for truth. Pray for justice. Pray for healing.

I received a phone call the other night from Ms. Roberts. I don't ever remember meeting her in the past but she is familiar with my family and knew my grandmother and various friends and family members many years ago. Ms. Roberts is 88 years old. She was calling to get my mother's address because she lost it in her move from Memphis to Nashville and has not been able to write her. So why did it mean so much to her to try and contact us and why does it mean so much to her to be able to write my mother? Ms. Roberts was my mother's Sunday School teacher. When my mother was just a child, this lady was placed in her life to teach her about Jesus. And now, after all these years, this gracious lady is still willing to invest time in the life of my mother. But it's more than just time. She still cares. My mother's life still matters to her. God entrusted Ms. Roberts with the responsibility of leading children to Him and teaching of His love. Apparently, God did not give Ms. Roberts a time frame for teaching. She isn't finished. I praise God for Ms. Roberts.

Tags: Gaile Owens

I'm asking for prayers again as I speak in Chapel tomorrow morning. I pray God will work through me to reach the hearts of those in the room. I pray we will all be challenged and make the decision to walk out loud in our faith every single day. What in the world are we waiting on? What in the world have I been waiting on? It isn't like God has been inactive in my life. It isn't as if I have nothing to say. We all have something to say. We all have the ability to listen to others. I pray that the silence will stop and that we will all decide to hand our fears, worries, and insecurities over to God and open our hearts, minds, and mouths to tell others about Jesus. We all have reasons that we have told ourselves not to speak or witness to another. Is there really a good reason not to offer someone the hope of salvation...the guarantee of salvation? What good reason really exists to not tell someone that Jesus saves. He heals. He forgives. He is the Savior. Why do we hide our stories? Why do we cover our pain? Why do we refuse to publicly give God the credit? Because it's easier? Maybe. For me, there is no doubt that my years of staying silent were much easier than the last 3 months of walking out loud.


Tags: Gaile Owens

Another tentative date to visit my mother is October 17th. The process of completing the paperwork and receiving approval is underway. Please pray for this entire process. I pray as always for God's will to be done. I pray that no one and no evil will intervene. I pray that minds will remain open and hearts will be made vulnerable. Although the past is full of real pain and suffering, the Lord is our great Healer. In Matthew 19:26 and in Mark 10:27 Jesus says, "with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Total surrender to God is the only way. You have to give it all to Him. Not some. ALL.

Tags: Gaile Owens

I find myself becoming more frustrated with the unknown and the future. I'm not exactly embracing my restlessness. I know God will reveal His plan in His time but it feels like a battle to remain still and listen. Why in the world does this seem so hard? I'm growing tired of talking and thinking through everything. I am ready to take some action. Isn't that why we are all here? To go and do? Then why do I feel as though my feet are stuck in mud and refuse to move? It is incredibly frustrating. Where does God want me to go? What does God want me to do?

Tags: Gaile Owens

While Stephen is attending the visitation for his grandfather tonight I want to share some things on my heart. Due to the funeral arrangements, he was unable to speak in chapel today but he has tentatively rescheduled for September 23rd. Please continue to pray for him as he continues to share his testimony. He feels deep within his heart that God is calling him to speak and share the testimony of healing in his life. He desperately wants others to feel the hope and know the promises of Jesus Christ. Stephen is completely surrendering to the Lord in full trust and obedience. His responses to obstacles and uncertainty have changed from stress and worry to courage and trust. His memories, both good and bad, still exist but his outlook is so different now. His trust in the Lord is immediate. It is one thing to believe in giving God all the glory and it is another to speak the words and offer up the praise to Him. Our prayers are constant. Our prayers are full of cries for help. Our prayers are abundantly full of gratitude for the blessings in our lives.

-Lisa

Tags: Gaile Owens

While visiting at my brother's house this weekend, I received the phone call that my grandfather had passed away. It was at my brother's house almost 2 months ago exactly that I first learned of his illness and was faced with the decision to reconcile with the past and go visit him. I am so glad I made the decision to see him at that time. I've been told that visit was the last time he was completely alert and vocal. Please pray for the family as they prepare for the funeral in the coming days. This is an obvious time to reflect on our family and all the trials that have been faced over so many years. I think of how sad and depressed my grandfather must have been after the death of my grandmother and then my father. He was devastated. The last time I visited him as a child just months after my father's death he told me "it's too hard on me to see you boys. Don't you know it's just too hard on me?" So we never went to visit again. As a 12 year old, I did not understand his feelings since I was dealing with the death of my father and the reality of what my mother had done. It was hard to grasp his lack of compassion for us in what seemed like his own selfish pity. Only now I see how he must have lost all hope. Christ was not the center of his life. He did not know where to turn. He didn't have someone surrounding him with the love of Jesus Christ. We did. He didn't have the constant flood of prayers. We did. He didn't have anyone to remind him to feel the comfort and strength of the outstretched arms of the Lord. We did. He needed someone to tell him "Jesus still loves you." So the realization for me now is seeing all of my blessings in the midst of so much pain. There are so many people that need to hear the truth of hope and healing through the Lord Jesus Christ. These people are much closer to us than we realize.

Tags: Gaile Owens

I am thankful for a faithful God. I am thankful that He did not give up on me. I am thankful that He continued to work on my heart and lead me to forgiveness. The seeds were planted in my heart so many years ago. God was so patient with me. He saw me stumble and He saw me fall but He was always with me. I gave Him many reasons to leave but He kept His promises. I tried to hide and I tried to run. I tried to bury the past. But the Lord was persistent. The Lord was my rock and He continued to pick me up and set me on solid ground. I am grateful my eyes are so open now. I am open to being vulnerable. I am open to being uncomfortable. I am open to continue walking through this journey. My faith has continued to be challenged even since the day of the visit. But instead of running from the challenge, now I fall to my knees. I pray without ceasing. God has continued to answer.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Remember when I stated that I did not know what direction to go next but I would remain still and wait for the Lord? I was just asked to give my testimony in chapel next Wednesday. Now my future is still anything but clear to me but this is certainly a good place to start. This seems like a nice, clear, definitive answer for the immediate future. Thank goodness. I say that cautiously because I have no doubt that when the Lord is working and moving, Satan is also working and moving. So I pray and I ask you to pray that God will use my testimony to reach the hearts of these young people and also the adults attending as part of the CPA faculty and staff. I pray that God will use my testimony to challenge their minds and examine their hearts in dealing with past, present, and future trials in life. I pray they will see the peace, freedom, and joy that I now have as a result of the healing power of Jesus Christ. Isaiah 40:31 "Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength."

Tags: Gaile Owens

There is no longer that "thing", that cloud, or that shadow following me around. Whatever it was, it is gone now. This new freedom is the ability to freely talk and put everything on the table. For me, there will never be the "elephant" in the room again. I will not avoid conversations or dodge questions about my mother and father. If God presents me with the opportunity to share my testimony of His healing, I will easily take advantage of the moment. This journey means no more hiding or running from the reality of the situation. This journey means no more walls and barriers of protection. God is my refuge. Psalm 18:2 "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

I received a letter in the mail today from my mother. She did speak of the visit but her letter concentrated on her growing faith in God's timing. Her letter says, "I have prayed for this day (the visit) for years. The past year has been a growing process for me. I have come full circle with my faith and understanding His presence and direction in my life. I have trusted Him for years but my faith has not been as it needed to be. When I learned you were going to visit, I knew this was in God's timing and trusted Him with our time together." She went on to thank Steve Wilson for his willingness to accompany us. She spoke of how Steve has been such a blessing. I also feel that God placed Steve directly in my path. It was exactly 10 years ago in August that Steve began a Bible study at the prison and met my mother. Five years later, God placed me at CPA with Steve. I simply do not believe in coincidences. I believe in God.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Before going to see my mother, I had prayed that God would give me the strength to keep a clear mind and allow Him to work on my guarded heart. I did not want to walk in and relive past events and negative emotions. I did not want to try to settle any past arguments or disagreements. I wanted to walk through the moment for what it was and completely surrender myself to the Lord. For me, I had to have that mind set. I think if my mind had been clouded with trying to resolve past issues, I would not have been able to walk out of there with the same feelings of peace and freedom. I have not received any communication from my mother since the visit. I can only hope that she was able to see and feel the healing power of Christ. His power is real. His power is authentic. And so today, I continue praying for guidance and direction.


Tags: Gaile Owens

Now I find myself feeling restless. My mind is so full and I see so many directions to go but I don't know which one to choose. My first instinct is to pick one and go for it. But experience has taught me to be patient and wait for the Lord. He will set the path before me. One question that I had immediately after seeing my mother was "Do I go back?" And "If I go back then how often?" The answer quickly became clear that I will go back again. Nothing is set. Logistically, there is a lot for me to learn about the process. Understandably, there are a lot of rules and regulations. But yes, I will definitely go back for a lot of reasons. I admit that I had no plans at all to do this again. I had no intentions to see her again. But God didn't really consider my plans and intentions. I feel Him leading me to a place outside of my safe and secure "comfort zone." After all that has happened in my life I have never once studied what the Bible teaches us about prisoners. So I pray and ask God to guide and direct me. Hebrews 13:3 says, "Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners." There are no exclusions attached to that verse. It doesn't exclude prisoners convicted of specific crimes. It doesn't exlude prisoners within your family. In the past, this would have been an example of when I would expect to be an exception to the rule. I do believe in God and His Word. I believe a day of judgement is coming. But He is the judge.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Now that I look back on the last several years I can see that a large part of my healing was related to my feelings of betraying my father. Once I was able to move past the anger, I struggled to reconcile the idea of forgiving my mother without feeling like I was turning my back on my father. It seemed impossible to me. I thought if I forgive my mother then I am telling her "it's okay." That's just not true. It's not okay. So God continued working on me. When I was out running last year I heard the song "Redeemer." It stopped me in my tracks. At that exact moment I knew Jesus had completely healed me and He was telling me "it's okay. You can forgive your mother and still honor your father." It was as if my Heavenly Father and my earthly father were both speaking to me. Just because I choose to forgive does not mean that I no longer miss my father. It doesn't mean I love him any less. It doesn't mean I don't think of him every single day. I forgive because I believe I will see my dad again in Heaven. I forgive because I believe in Heaven. I forgive because I believe in Jesus Christ.

Tags: Gaile Owens

I have so much to talk about and my heart and mind are so full. I don't have complete clarity and I know God will reveal His plan in His time. I am slowly beginning to filter through the layers of thoughts and images that are far from transparent since leaving the prison on Sunday. My life literally feels different now. Sunday was supposed to be the end. In my mind, I was coming full circle in a process that began so many years ago. I knew God had led me to this point and prepared me for the moment. I have always heard the statements that "God can do big things. God can move people in big ways." And I do believe it. It just has never exactly happened to me. While I was sitting in the room with my mother, God made it "happen to me in a big way." She is my mother. I am her son. This is a bond created only by God. The evil in the past did not destroy that bond for me. I am completely aware that her past actions do not reflect the actions of loving mother. Again, it was not conditional forgiveness. It was not based on what she could or could not offer me. Could she have manipulated my emotions? Absolutely. But it was worth the risk. I prayed for discernment and truth and I believe God showed me what was real. I serve a God who shows mercy. I serve a God who loves unconditionally. I serve a God who speaks the truth.

Tags: Gaile Owens

I need to mention that although my mother and I covered a lot of topics in our visit, we did not discuss my father's death. We talked about his life, his sense of humor and funny stories from my childhood but we did not talk about his death. We did not talk about her decisions that resulted in his death. Neither one of us even attempted to talk about it. I know what happened. I know the facts. I know the timeline and the series of events. I know she made many decisions that ultimately led her to prision. But this is important to mention because forgiveness has to be unconditional. God could not work through me in offering her forgiveness if I was expecting something in return. I could not approach my mother with questions about the past. I could not expect her to explain what happened. There is no explanation. There are no answers. I had to be able to look into the eyes of a woman who is suffering her consequences and tell her that in my heart, the past is no more. Through the unconditional love of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, she is forgiven. He suffered the ultimate consequence so we can all be forgiven. I had to allow God's healing in my life and walk away from the past. I am certain it is physically impossible for me to forget what my mother has done. But in my heart I had to let it go. I had to reach out to God and hand over the anger, pain, resentment, and devastation left behind from my mother's decisions. God has erased it all. I am living proof.

Tags: Gaile Owens

During the visit with my mother yesterday, I found myself losing focus on our words and concentrating on what she looks like now. I was studying her face and the ways she has changed. Of course she is older now. Her hair is gray but her face is the same to me. I would catch myself being distracted and refocus on the words. It was a lot to take in all at one time. When we talked about the people close to us, my brother and my aunt, her voice would weaken and her eyes would fill with tears. She would force the words through but it was tough. We are living, breathing, and seeing the life that she is missing. She can only hear about the life that she is missing. It is beyond sad and devastating. She told stories of different events from when I was a child. She talked about the personalities of me and my brother. So many of the descriptions are mirrored in our own children. She asked about many different friends and family members and I updated her one by one. I never would have thought the conversation would have been so easy. I walked out of the visit with a lot of closure. Surprisingly, I walked out of the visit with an entirely new set of questions. So today, as this journey continues, I pray for discernment. I just knew when it was over that I would breathe and know that this was the end. I definitely feel like a door is closed. Only now I look in front of me and see another one opened.

Tags: Gaile Owens

God is good. I don't know how much of this I will be able to write about tonight but I want to thank all of you who have been so supportive and have been praying for me through this incredible journey. My mind is racing right now. I am trying to process so much and I cannot manage to stay focused on one image or thought before another one comes racing through my head. This is a heavy load. It will take me some time to work through all of these thoughts and feelings. I will try my best to describe the events of the last several hours but this may take me a few days. But please know that all is well. The visit was good. I think it took about an hour from the time we arrived before we actually got to see my mother. As we were waiting in the holding area just inside her segregated building, I saw the guards lead her into the visitation room. We made eye contact and she pointed at me. Moments later the guard arrived in our area and led us through another series of doors. She opened the door to the visitation room and my mother was waiting for us. I stood in front of my mother for the first time in 24 years. I hugged my mother for the first time in 24 years. She sobbed. She said, "I'm sorry son. I'm so sorry son." It was a very raw apology filled with raw emotion. She hugged my wife and we all proceeded to sit down at the table. The conversation came easily. I will be able to write more about our conversation in coming days but like I said, I am still processing all of this. We talked about my children, our family, friends, vacations, school, jobs, etc. We talked and we talked. There were moments of laughter. I really cannot say that we had any moments of awkward silence. It just didn't happen like that. The room was filled with conversation and stories and memories. We had very serious moments and tears would fill her eyes. I spoke very openly and honestly with her. Before I knew it, 3 hours had passed and the guard stopped by and gave us the 5 minute warning. My mother looked at me and said "I'm sorry. I know I can't change anything now but I just need to ask for your forgiveness." This was it. This was what God sent me here this day to do. I looked my mother in the eyes and told her that I forgive her. I told her it has been hard. It has hurt. She has missed so much. My father has missed so much. It has been a journey. I told her that I no longer have an angry bone in my body. God has taken away the anger. God has healed the pain. It has taken me 24 years but I FORGIVE HER.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Today was more of the same in regards to how I am feeling but I am wondering about what my mother is thinking and feeling. Is she anxious or nervous at all? Does she want to see me? Her previous letter stated that this would be an answered prayer. But how does she feel now that the day is almost here? I don't really have anything planned out. I don't really know what words will come out of my mouth. I just don't think this is anything that can be planned....by me. There is no doubt that God has a plan. Why in the world would I try to walk in there with my own agenda? We will attend church Sunday morning and meet up with Steve Wilson afterwards. We will begin processing for visitation at the prison at 11:30. My mother has written that we will be visiting in one of the small private rooms and not in the common area shared with other visitors and inmates. Visitation ends at 3:15. We may or may not stay for the entire time. Again, I have no plan. I will show up. Everything else is up to God.

Tags: Gaile Owens

If you had asked me a couple of years ago how I would be feeling 3 days before visiting my mother in prison for the first time in 24 years I likely would have said, "very nervous, very worried, and very anxious." As odd as it sounds, I don't feel like that at all right now. I am calm. I know. My wife looked at me like I was crazy too. I think many people would agree that I have spent the majority of my life being worried about something, anything, all the time. That is another reason this calmness is so odd. As if the obvious magnitude of this weekend isn't reason enough to create some anxiety, I generally spend time being overly concerned about things on a daily basis. Again, this has God written all over it. Of course He would take one of the biggest decisions of my life and throw a blanket of peace over me. That's just how He works. I believe with all my heart that God has heard my prayers and the prayers of so many others who have lifted me up in the past several weeks, months, and years. Believe in Him. Believe in His Word. Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Tags: Gaile Owens

Moods are starting to shift in our household. Feelings are kicking in and reality is staring me in the face. I am holding strong to my faith in the Lord and I am in constant prayer. I know I have made a lot of statements regarding my feelings of peace but please understand that peace does not remove the difficulty of this situation. This is incredibly hard. This is demanding. This is quickly becoming physically and mentally exhausting. But this is not bigger than God. He is in control. He is at work. This is His agenda and He has a plan in place. I trust in Him and know He will not leave me now. He will not leave me 5 days from now. He will not ever leave me.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Stephen's wife is temporarily taking over the blog for the evening. He has been asleep since 7:30. I believe exhaustion has set in and he is getting much needed rest. I am taking advantage of this opportunity to speak freely to all of you. You have been an amazing support to him in the last few weeks. Please continue to lift him up in prayer in the days ahead as he prepares for this visit. He speaks so fondly of all of you and has shared story after story of so many friends from elementary school, high school, church, and teaching jobs. He is the only person I know who still maintains communication with his elementary school teachers. This speaks volumes about the influence you all had in his life. I am posting a picture of the inside page of his Bible that he found last night. This Bible was given to him by his fifth grade class at Alturia Elementary just days after his father's death. God immediately used you, his friends and family, to show His love and bring comfort to this child. He remembers a lot of awful things from the night his father died that no child should ever remember. But he also remembers the hope you offered in the midst of his pain. He knows your face, he knows your name, he knows what you did for him. You need to know the difference you made in his life. You may not know exactly how or when but God used you in this man's life. Thank you for walking beside him on this journey. Thank you for praying for him and thank you for loving him. Galatians 6:2 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

Tags: Gaile Owens

So I wonder if or when I will start to feel nervous. A week from now it will all be over. I don't know whether to call this the end or the beginning. It feels like both. It feels like the end of a very long road but at the same time it feels like a new beginning in my life. I feel a freedom that I have never felt before. I don't feel that dark cloud hovering above me. I don't feel that heavy weight on my shoulders. I can finally take in one big breath of air and walk on. I can literally feel myself moving forward. I feel the Spirit of God within every inch of my body. He is with me. He is real. He is my comfort. He is my hope. He is my peace. Soli Deo Gloria.

Tags: Gaile Owens

I have spent some time lately thinking of all of the people involved in my life and the lives of my parents that were or have been affected since February 17, 1985. I know how it affected me and my family. I wonder how their friends have dealt with it over the years. I think of my father's co-workers and the people he communicated with every single day. What are they doing now? Have they shoved the events of that night in a far away place in the back of their minds? What about my mother's friends? My mother was a room mother for my 5th grade class that year. I recently heard from Mrs. Seward, the other room mother for my class. She shared with me how she has been affected and how she has never stopped praying for me and my family even after so many years. I wonder about our neighbors. How were their lives affected? Our church family was a strong support for us and I remember all that was done to protect and comfort us for so many years. But how did they reconcile this tragedy in their lives? Life as we knew it came to an abrupt halt. So many relationships we had were changed forever. I think back on all those people and wonder if they struggled and suffered with pain. I hope and pray they have also healed and chosen to forgive.

Tags: Gaile Owens

This is a very hopeful and promising time in my life. This is not a time to be sad or discouraged. I have so much to be thankful for and I have complete trust in the Lord for what is ahead in the future. Surprisingly, I no longer feel overwhelmed and distracted. I don't feel like I need to stay busy to keep my mind off of the upcoming visit. I don't need to deliberately or intentionally do something to occupy my time to avoid quiet moments. I'm okay. I feel as though I have been covered in peace. There will be a day when God will be the judge and justice will come but now is the time for mercy. Now is the time for forgiveness. Now is the time to completely surrender myself to the Lord. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

Tags: Gaile Owens

I think about how often I hear the comment "I just had no idea." I understand. Secretly, I believe that is the exact impression I was looking for in years past. I didn't want people to look at me and associate it with anything in my past. I wanted it to stay hidden. I wanted people to like me but not because they felt sorry for me. Even as I gradually began to open up to the idea of sharing and giving my testimony, I was fearful of attracting sympathy and nothing more. The past was awful. It was shocking. It felt like hell on earth. But my life did not end with horror and tragedy. I serve a faithful God. "He rescues and He saves." I want people to see and hear what God has done in my life. Now when I hear people say "I just had no idea " I can't help but smile. What a wonderful opportunity to use that moment and ask the question, "do you know WHY? Let me tell you what the Lord has done for me."

Tags: Gaile Owens

Why does it seem like time is standing still? There was such a rush of emotions and now it feels like a waiting game. I denied myself the thought of ever visiting my mother for so long. Now I am ready for the intensity of the situation to be over. So I am certain that I need to be still in this moment and listen to God. My wife always says that the unknown frightens her and excites her all at the same time. I definitely feel that way in this situation. There is an unending list of unknowns. Will I be calm or anxious? What does she look like? Will she look at me and see the undeniable resemblance to my father? Will my emotions come freely or will I fight them back? Will I speak freely? Will she see the man of God that I have grown into over the years? What will be her reaction? Will she still see the hurt and pain in my eyes? Will she see what life could have been like? Will God place me in that room with her and use me in ways that I can not imagine? Will He speak through me? Will she see and feel the forgiveness in my heart? God has all the answers. Right here, right now God is telling me to "be still, and know that I am God."

Tags: Gaile Owens

I can not remember when I first noticed a change in my heart towards my mother or when I first considered the possibility of forgiving her. As a child I had been taught to forgive but for many years I thought there should be an exception to this rule as it applies to my mother. That is only fair. She is not allowed to rip my father from my life in an instant and expect me to forgive her. I still think that is true. I don't think she would expect me to forgive her. But Jesus does. Even when I look back at the last several years of my life I can see the preparation and the seeds that the Lord planted within me. I was working on my masters degree and desperately looking to teach/coach again. I was presented with an opportunity to teach at the Metro Davidson County Detention Center in Nashville. I honestly did not hesitate to take the position. I wanted the job and now I see God also wanted me to have that job. I taught inmates for the next 12 months. It was an unforgettable experience. Fast forward a couple of years to my current position at CPA. I am giving my testimony in front of Steve Wilson's 9th grade Bible class. Steve approaches me after the class and informs me that he knows my mother. Steve has a volunteer ministry in the prison. Seriously? This can only be the work of God. Steve Wilson will be joining my wife and I when we visit my mother. So please pray for Steve in the coming weeks. We appreciate all of the support and encouraging words through the comments on the site, the emails, and the phone calls. So many of you have shared your own experiences of tragedy and forgiveness too. Please continue to share this site and your own experiences with your friends and family. Philemon 1:6 says, "I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ."

Tags: Gaile Owens

During my visit this past weekend, I realized that I am only 1 year younger than Dad when he died. It is an awkward feeling. It was fun to be around family again but I couldn't help but notice the pain that still exists. Time heals that pain only to an extent. There was a moment during our visit when my youngest son walked up to Uncle David (Dad's brother) and called him Papa. I know he noticed and so did I. It was a slight glimpse of "what might have been." Times like that create the flood of unending questions that I will never have answered this side of heaven. Did my mother ever think this far into the future? Did she ever think that she would never know her grandchildren? When my children are much older, we will eventually explain it all to them. It is a part of who we are now. It is irreversible. Maybe this is why I have finally realized the impact of forgiving my mother. Yes, I forgive because Jesus tells me to forgive. But what if my children look me in the eyes someday and ask, "Daddy, did you forgive her?" I want to be a Christ-centered man for my children. I don't want my boys to grow up and see me as a man full of anger and resentment. I want them to see first-hand the healing power of Christ. I want to tell them that the Bible is true, He is our Savior, and you really can "do all things through Christ who gives you strength."

Tags: Gaile Owens

As often as the enemy has tried to attack me, God has provided a way to either deliver me from the attack or guide me through the attack. The journey of forgiveness has been full of evil schemes overturned by God's mighty power. For many years I have told my wife that someday I would probably want to see my mother again. But for many years, I repeatedly said I was just not ready to take that step. Now I am able to look back on those years and see how God was preparing me for this very moment in time. God is evident through the people He brought into my life and through all the trials and triumphs placed in my path. The Lord was carefully and specifically shaping my heart. Exactly one year ago, I felt God speak louder and clearer than ever before. I stood before the faculty and staff at school and gave my testimony. I spoke about the decision God had placed on my heart. I knew I was ready to move forward. I knew it was time. We completed the paperwork and received all of the necessary approvals to be on the "official" list for visitation. I needed to write my mother and schedule a time for a visit. But I became "busy." I was busy with school, busy with basketball, and busy with the kids' schedules. The holidays arrived. The holidays are always busy. After the holidays, the first three months of the year are very busy and a crucial time in basketball season. I didn't want the distraction. Before I knew it, it was the end of the school year and final exam time. I was way too busy wrapping up the school year. The day of my last exam we left on vacation. Then I had camps and more family traveling. So July arrived and I still had not taken that pivotal step. That was it. My heart was heavy and I realized that God was still standing beside me with outstretched arms and ready to walk with me. I also knew that I had to be willing to ask for help and prayers from anyone and everyone. I remember my wife saying to me, "if you hear God speaking to you, if you know in your heart that you are ready for this, then you can not deny God the opportunity to use you. You can do this." Exodus 23:20 says, "See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared." Please pray that I remain focused on what God has said He will do for me and pray that the enemy's plans will be halted. No matter what the enemy may try to accomplish, God has already sent His angels to fill the room.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Although I often think about what God will reveal in the days and weeks ahead, I have also thought about what Satan was trying to accomplish in the past. Did Satan think my mother would actually carry through with those plans? Christ was no longer the center of her life and she did the unthinkable. Did Satan think my brother and I would be left as orphans? The Lord placed two devasted young boys in the arms of a godly woman who raised us to trust and believe in Him. Did Satan think I would become a statistic in this world and a hopeless victim because of my traumatic childhood? I have struggled. I have not been perfect. But my past is not an excuse to choose a life of sin. My past is not an excuse to be disobedient to God. This is the life that God has given me. He continues to carry me through the struggles. He has shown me grace through all the imperfections. Did Satan think I would be incapable of a healthy relationship as both a husband and a father? God has blessed me with a loving and supportive wife and two beautiful healthy children. Satan has tried to defeat us through difficult trials but we are a testimony of God's faithfulness. Did Satan think my career would be unfullfilling because of the absence of a father to train me as a provider and leader for my family? I have been surrounded by men who actively serve the Lord. My job as a teacher and coach is incredibly rewarding and I have always felt in my heart that this is exactly what God created me to do. My father was killed 25 years ago and my mother was sentence to death 1 year later. Did Satan ever think that God would provide so much healing in my life that I would be asking my friends and family to pour down prayers as I share my testimony of forgiveness and peace?

Tags: Gaile Owens

Many people have written or stopped me to offer prayers and almost everyone has made the comment, "I have so many questions but I don't want to intrude or be rude." Please know that I don't mind the questions. I have this new way of thinking that the more people know, the more details they can include in their prayers. The more people know, the more they can see the work of God in my life. The decision to share my life is an opportunity not an obligation. I have the opportunity to allow others to see how God has brought light into the darkest days, months, and years of my life. I don't HAVE to do this. I GET to do this. In Matthew 10:32-33 Jesus tells us that "whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven. " Matthew 5:14-15 says, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to eveyone in the house." If I continue to keep silent when I should speak then I would be "hiding the light." Silence is no longer an option for me.

Tags: Gaile Owens

We have just returned from a long trip to Arkansas and I was able to visit with my grandfather for a couple of hours on Saturday. He did recognize me and of course he was completely shocked to see me. Based on our conversation and the stories he told, I have no doubt that he knew exactly who I was and it was such a blessing to see him again after so many years. Let me back up a couple of days. On Friday, the mail was delivered just as we were leaving for the trip to Arkansas. The letter from mom arrived and the date is officially set for August 23rd. There are some logistics to work out with the time but everything else is in place. The letter included a copy of the approved visit request from the prison. The form has a line to be completed that states "justification for visit." My mother had written, "first visit with son." Those words looked huge to me. I felt relief and I felt very overwhelmed at the same time. I know I can back out of this at any time and that is certainly not my intention so this brought a sense of finality to the process too. I am going forward with this and I feel God's presence with me every step of the way. Those feelings of anxiety prompt me to stop and pray. I have to. Those feelings can overtake me very quickly. But God brings peace. He brings comfort. He reminds me that He is in control. Like I stated before, I don't have a lot of clarity about the future. If I am trusting in God and walking in faith then all I really know is that He will provide. My prayers will continue to be that God's will be done. I pray for His will in the weeks leading up to August 23rd, for this visit with my mother on that Sunday afternoon, and for the weeks, months, and years following August 23rd. Right now, I don't know if this will be a one-time visit or if I will continue to schedule visits in the future. I have no expectations but I do know that I need to look at her and tell her that I forgive her. Yes, the forgiveness exists regardless if I say it to her face. But I can not explain the need I have to tell her. Maybe I feel it will bring closure. I understand it could create or recreate past feelings of anger and pain. But I do trust God with all my heart. I know it may not make sense. I know it is completely understandable to never want to see her again. But I feel deep within me that this truly is where God is leading me.

Tags: Gaile Owens

One of the biggest discussions we have had in the last couple of weeks is about my expectations. Do I have any expectations in visiting mom? Do I have any expectations in sharing this blog? What do I expect to come out of all this? I expect the visit with mom to be overwhelming, emotional, intimidating, and painful. I can only hope after it is over that I will be able to put a lot of anxiety to rest but I really don't know what to expect. At the end of the day, it is all in God's hands anyway. Revealing all of this to our friends and family has actually brought relief. This has been a big lesson in allowing others to see my weaknesses and admitting I need help to make it through the coming weeks. My wife and I have always been very private people. We did not make this decision based on a random idea or thought. We spent many months praying and asking God to use my past in a way to witness to others. We still don't have a lot of clarity about the future but we have to turn it all over to God before we step foot out of the bed every morning. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " Jeremiah 29:11

Tags: Gaile Owens

Some days I can pray all day and never run out of things to say. Then on days like today, I try to pray but don't have any idea what to say. I don't know if it is because the words won't come to me or because I have so many thoughts running through my head that I can't make sense of anything. One part of me would like to have a crystal ball to find out where I will be 2 months down the road. Another part of me wants to be still in this moment as I feel and see God working in my life. Every day seems like a struggle to continue down this road. Every day I have to deal with the images of dad and mom, the memories, and the heartache. It simply isn't fair. It is a part of my life. It is part of what makes me who I am today. If I could have my father back I would do it in an instant. But God has also sent blessings in my life as a result of my circumstances after dad's death. So what do I pray when the pain seems unbearable? What do I pray when I just want some relief? I believe "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us in accordance with God's will." I don't pray for my will but for God's will. I want the pain to go away but God has brought many blessings from my pain. I don't think God wants me to hurt but I pray that His healing of my pain will be used to further His kingdom and lead others to a place of forgiveness and peace.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Do you ever notice when you are obedient to God and grow in your faith that God doesn't stop presenting you with challenges? As I was leaving my brother's house July 4th weekend, I received a call from our cousin in Arkansas. He tells me that my grandfather (dad's dad) is very sick and his health is quickly declining. So now I have a decision to make. Do I go see him? Will he recognize me? I haven't seen him in over 20 years. In November 1984, my grandmother passed away unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm. Three months later, dad was killed. My grandfather lost all hope. He moved away and we lost contact. I miss him. He is one of the last connections I have with my father. I wanted my grandfather in my life and it felt as though he left me too. We weren't allowed to run away and hide so why was it okay for him? Feelings of resentment have also crept in over the years. So now is the time to let go of all of those feelings too. Is it a coincidence that I have the opportunity for healing on both sides of my family at the same time? yeah, right. This situation has God written all over it. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." So our trip is planned and I will soon be looking into the eyes of my grandfather for the first time in over 20 years. I will look into his eyes and talk to him. I am going to make sure he knows our Lord Jesus Christ. I believe the day will come when I will see my dad again. I want to make sure my grandfather is there to witness our reunion in heaven.

Tags: Gaile Owens

As I open my Daily Light devotional book to today's date I see Psalm 18:39 "You have armed me with strength for the battle." This speaks volumes to me today. I had an incredibly tough day yesterday. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was but I struggled with such a heavy heart. Maybe the reasons are obvious but I just couldn't seem to escape it. And so I feel warned that this will become more difficult. My emotions are under attack. Several years ago, this kind of attack would have caused me to retreat and avoid the situation. I would have said, "I'm just not ready." But my life is not like that anymore. You see, God has set me on solid ground. As it is spoken in Ephesians "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." I am certain that my struggles will continue. Some days will always be better than others. God did not promise anyone on this earth an easy life. But He is a faithful God and "His compassions never fail. They are new every morning."

Tags: Gaile Owens

We are receiving incredible words of encouragement and are so grateful. Thank you for your prayers and support. I am receiving messages from friends that were present in my time of need in the years immediately following dad's death. I have really enjoyed reading about their memories of my father. These are friends who immediately stepped up in my life and became brothers and fathers to me. I was 12 years old. This was such a critical time in my life and these godly men became an answered prayer. My church family, my teachers and coaches encircled me and would not allow me to give up. Undoubtedly, the person who is one of the greatest influences in my walk with Christ is Carolyn. Carolyn is my aunt and she became my legal guardian. By all definitions we were orphans. We no longer had a mother and father. She made the choice to fight for me and my brother. She chose to raise us. She chose to have her life completely and forever altered. There is no doubt that life has not been easy for any of us but I know that her unwavering faith showed me how to build my life on the firm foundation of God. The role that she has played in my life and the role of all of those who stepped up and so freely gave of themselves has unquestionably influenced the man, husband, father, teacher, and coach that I am today. I will always be grateful. Please remember Carolyn and all of our close friends and family in your prayers too. Although I know that God is directing this path, I also know that the decision to speak openly about my life is resulting in painful memories for others. Please pray that God will comfort them. For those who have not made the choice to reconcile their past, there is a great Healer. He is Jesus Christ our Lord.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Mom's letter was sent back to me stamped "return to sender." Two different sets of numbers are required for delivery within the prison and I omitted one set. Satan's attempt to discourage me? Maybe. But I'm not feeling discouraged. I have to admit my wife is usually the one to address the letters I send to the prison and I decided to handle this one myself. Lisa recognized immediately that I had left off the TDOC number and the letter is now back in the mail and on its way. The delay has given me the opportunity to ask you all to consider my mother in prayer also. We recently notified friends and family of this blog and requested everyone to participate as a prayer warrior during the next several weeks. We desperately need a flood of prayers as we faithfully walk this path. Please include my mother in your prayers as she receives this letter to accept the visit. Sadly, I can't say that I know how my mother will react but I pray that she will know the grace of God. No sin is too great to be forgiven. As Pastor Glenn recently stated in his sermon on forgiveness, "no one gets what they deserve;" not me, not you, not the liar, not the person spreading gossip, not the thief, adulterer, abuser, and not my mother as she sits on death row. We are all sinners and by the grace of God, none of us get what we deserve.

Tags: Gaile Owens

My emotions are all over the place. Mom probably received the letter today and I can't help but wonder about her reaction and response. I am definitely dealing with some anxiety about this visit but there is also some anticipation. I have accepted the fact that she will never be able to supply answers to all my questions regarding her actions. There are no answers to those questions. There is no justification. But I finally grasp the fact that I don't need answers to forgive. Although forgiveness brings peace, it does not erase consequences. Maybe that is an obvious realization for many people. But for me, in this situation, it was not so obvious. I lost both of my parents in an instant. The night my father was killed I had begged my mother to let me stay with him at church while he played basketball in the gym. This was a routine for us on Sunday nights. But she refused to let me stay. Within a few hours, my life was forever changed. I think of my father every single day. I want him here with me. I am often overwhelmed with sadness and grief as I think of all that has been missed in my relationship with him. My father didn't see me grow up. He didn't sit in the stands in my high school games. He didn't see me graduate and he didn't stand beside me on my wedding day. He has not been here to teach me about fatherhood and spend time with his grandchildren. He has missed holidays and birthdays. After all these years I desperately long for his physical presence in my life. The harsh reality is that my mother has also been absent from my life. This is a healing process. This is probably a lifelong healing process.

Tags: Gaile Owens

Dropping that letter in the mailbox is a HUGE step. It is not the first letter I have ever sent my mother. Obviously it isn't about the tangible piece of paper. It is all about what that paper represents. That letter represents forgiveness in a very raw form. After years of feeling angry, resentful, hurt, abandoned, lost, and betrayed, I am free. That freedom has also made me feel very exposed. As those feelings of vulnerability begin to rise within me, I keep going back to Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." It is true. He has led me to this path and He will continue to lead me. I am experiencing the freedom of forgiveness today because 24 years ago God directly and intentionally intervened in my life. In the midst of evil and destruction, God wrapped His loving arms around me and He did not leave me or forsake me. I had my moments, days, weeks, months, and sometimes years of doubt. I will never understand the choices made by my mother. Why did my she allow me to walk into the house that night? Does she know that I have pictures in my head that can never be erased? I see pictures of my father's car, pictures of walking in the door, pictures of my father taking his last breaths. I still remember what I was thinking as I approached him. I remember his clothes. I remember my mother's reaction. How does a mother do that to her children? I will never have the answers to my endless questions. But as I drop that letter in the mailbox today I know with all my heart that God has been leading me down this path of redemption and He is my Savior.

Tags: Gaile Owens

The letter to my mother, Gaile Owens, will be mailed tomorrow requesting a visit on August 23, 2009. The last time I saw my mother was in 1986 and I was sitting on the witness stand testifying against her. She was convicted of accessory before the fact in the murder of my father and sentenced to death. It certainly seems cliche to say that it has been a difficult "journey" to this place of forgiveness. It has been a journey of sorts, I guess. It has been excruciating at times. It has been full of deep valleys. I have undoubtedly hit rock bottom more than once. I have been face down in the mud and mire of many pits. But I believe with all my heart that God has rescued me, carried me, led me, and freed me. He is my Deliverer. He is my Redeemer. I still ache with pain at the loss of my father. I do not believe that ache will ever leave me. It isn't fair. But as hard as it is to understand, I still hold strong to the unfailing truth that "in ALL things God works for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purpose." He does not only use the nicely wrapped events in life but "ALL things" in life. This means He uses the good and the bad. He even uses the horrific and the tragic.

Tags: Gaile Owens

I Give In

No excuses. This blog is my passive response to God's persistent voice. I've tried to ignore Him. I've tried to take baby steps to quiet the voice and then move on with my day. So here I am now. My only expectation is to put myself out there. God will take care of the rest. Yes, there is a story to tell. We all have a story to be shared with others. Mine began with a horrific tragedy 24 years ago. Do I think God created the tragedy when I was 12 years old? No. I think what happened to my family was evil. Of course I still struggle. Of course I still get furious about it. My heart aches with pain so great I have to remind myself to breathe. But living through a tragedy does not entitle me to an easy life. I believe innocent families suffer through horrible events every day. I am aware that others have suffered through much more. But I can not shake God's voice to share my story and walk out loud through my ongoing journey. So, I will consent and obey. I feel His guidance and His direction and I know He will deliver.

Tags: Gaile Owens